Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
