i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
