Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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