Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Drunk is not a location!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
