im six kinds of drunk right now
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
