but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
