xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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