do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
