if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
MIDGETS
????
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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