so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
