my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
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