My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
