I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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