He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
