Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
