Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
