Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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