between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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