Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
