I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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