This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
