I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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