you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
