If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
