Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
