As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
