please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
