Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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