that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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