If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
