____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Randomize
