So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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