4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
