Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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