So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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