Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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