so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I stole a fireplace last night.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
