I could make wine with my vomit
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
