theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
