What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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