i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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