im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
