The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
