Redeem this text for a blowjob
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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