I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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