i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My vagina is officially offended.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
