the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize