as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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