He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
