We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
