i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
