How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
