He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
