he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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