i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
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You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
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Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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