I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
