There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
