6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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