When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
