Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Randomize
